Letter #111: Going Up

The Christian Elevator Pitch

Spensoir,

The term “elevator pitch,” has come to mean “the short version of an idea.” But I worked in Hollywood, where the phrase originated, and its meaning was more complex and intense.

Picture this. You’re a friendless aspiring filmmaker desperate to succeed in a cruelly difficult business. Working as a delivery boy, you find yourself riding in an elevator with a famous producer/director/executive/star. You have seconds to sell him your great movie idea. He is certain of only two things: one, he will lose everything he values if he fails and two, you have no talent. After all, he’s approached by some jackass like you every single day and none of them has talent. The odds of you being an exception are virtually nil.

So what do you say? “A cop comes to visit his estranged wife on Christmas and…” Ding. Sorry, son, this is my floor. “Terrorists take over a skyscraper full of hostages, and only a lone New York City cop, trapped inside, can save the day.” Hm. Probably not. But leave your card with my assistant.

Now, in your last letter, you pointed out that philosophy leads to managed despair but Christianity is news.

So now imagine you find yourself in an elevator with the Universal Philosopher. You want to bring him the good news of Christianity but you’ve only got a few seconds. This guy has worked with all the stars: Plato, Aristotle, Kant, Oprah. He’s made dozens of hits. Life is a Dream. All is Vanity. The Power of Now. Some untalented punk like you tries to sell him some warmed over garbage every day. What’ve you got they didn’t have?

“God died for your sins.” Oh yeah, then what do I die for? Ding. Sorry, kid, this is my floor. “Those who believe in Jesus will never die.” Hahahaha. Ding. Sorry. “Your sex life is sinful.” Security!  “God is love.” Wrong town, kid. This is Hollywood. God is a dollar bill. Ding.

I’ve sometimes thought the best elevator pitch is this: “It’s just like your last hit, only stupider.” Or to put it less cynically: It’s tried and true because we’ve seen it already, but it has one new twist that makes it fresh.

So try this: “The God of all goodness comes to earth in human form and every single sector of society conspires to kill him.”

Interesting. So God is real but we can only know him as a manifestation of human consciousness — and we hate him because we’re alienated from our highest selves. That’s realistic. That could work. Then what? A lone New York City cop saves him at the last minute?

“No. Everyone kills him. But he’s God, so he comes back to life.”

Ah, and everyone sees they’ve done a terrible thing, so they follow him.

“No, everyone sees they’ve done a terrible thing, so they blame the Jews.”

Perfect. That always sells. Leave your card with my assistant.

Ding.

Dad