This is why I found unhelpful the advice I often received as a child: "just be yourself." What "self" was I supposed to be? Which properties of my own soul were supposed to form a guide for my behavior? My values? I was a child and can hardly be said to have had values. My impulses and natural inclinations? Surely THAT can't be a reliable guide for behavior!
The rape of Tamar is a tragic tale in the Bible. It is perhaps meant as a lesson that you, too, Mr. Klavan, are giving. Tamar, Princess of Judah, was beautiful, stunning even. She was sister of Absalom and they were half-siblings of Amnon, eldest son of David and heir to the throne.
Amnon was smitten with Tamar and, while he was half-brother of Absalom, they were also best of friends. Amnon used that friendship to trick his brother into sending Tamar to nurse him, when he, Amnon, feigned illness. While she tended to him, he tried to woo her and, when that failed, he forced himself upon her.
After he’d raped her, instead of hating himself for his sin, he hated Tamar and sent her out of his sight. Tamar fled the palace permanently and went to live with Absalom. When he found out, Absalom threw a feast and has his servants kill Amnon while he was drunk.
As a lesson, it is clear. Not only is it the sin of violating another human being, or the law, but it won’t bring you the pleasure you think it will bring you. It what destroy you, your family, and the family of the person you hurt. And then there is all the unknown, such as the revenge of Absalom. Sating your physical desires can have any number of undesirable effects, in the end.
Wow something’s going on! The last three letters you and Spence have written were on topics that my wife discussed just the day before you posted. It may be that the topics are of the most moment or maybe my tin foil apparatus is working properly. And my children made fun of my “Helm of knowing” pffft …kids…
This is why I found unhelpful the advice I often received as a child: "just be yourself." What "self" was I supposed to be? Which properties of my own soul were supposed to form a guide for my behavior? My values? I was a child and can hardly be said to have had values. My impulses and natural inclinations? Surely THAT can't be a reliable guide for behavior!
Absolutely that is the worst advice for a boy to receive, to be yourself, which means you should remain a little ignorant boy. It’s not awful advice for girls, however, because it’s basically saying, you’re already pure and innocent, a virgin, so remain like that and don’t change, unless something drastic like marriage occurs. This is why self improvement is more important for men than it is for women. Women don’t really need to “improve” they just have to not be awful, horrible people. For women things are much more binary: it’s a yes or no choice. I will choose to be chaste just as easily as I will choose to be promiscuous. I will choose to be a Karen that bothers and bullies others or I will choose to mind my own business. I will choose to cheat on my husband or I’ll choose not to do so. But for men it takes years and years to grow and sweat and become men.
This is why I found unhelpful the advice I often received as a child: "just be yourself." What "self" was I supposed to be? Which properties of my own soul were supposed to form a guide for my behavior? My values? I was a child and can hardly be said to have had values. My impulses and natural inclinations? Surely THAT can't be a reliable guide for behavior!
The rape of Tamar is a tragic tale in the Bible. It is perhaps meant as a lesson that you, too, Mr. Klavan, are giving. Tamar, Princess of Judah, was beautiful, stunning even. She was sister of Absalom and they were half-siblings of Amnon, eldest son of David and heir to the throne.
Amnon was smitten with Tamar and, while he was half-brother of Absalom, they were also best of friends. Amnon used that friendship to trick his brother into sending Tamar to nurse him, when he, Amnon, feigned illness. While she tended to him, he tried to woo her and, when that failed, he forced himself upon her.
After he’d raped her, instead of hating himself for his sin, he hated Tamar and sent her out of his sight. Tamar fled the palace permanently and went to live with Absalom. When he found out, Absalom threw a feast and has his servants kill Amnon while he was drunk.
As a lesson, it is clear. Not only is it the sin of violating another human being, or the law, but it won’t bring you the pleasure you think it will bring you. It what destroy you, your family, and the family of the person you hurt. And then there is all the unknown, such as the revenge of Absalom. Sating your physical desires can have any number of undesirable effects, in the end.
I’m sorry but I’m mostly here for the Spencer nicknames.
Wow something’s going on! The last three letters you and Spence have written were on topics that my wife discussed just the day before you posted. It may be that the topics are of the most moment or maybe my tin foil apparatus is working properly. And my children made fun of my “Helm of knowing” pffft …kids…
T’would make for a great homily. Gritty material, but we are called to be our better selves in the ongoing formation of our souls.
Well said, Sir Andrew.
This is why I found unhelpful the advice I often received as a child: "just be yourself." What "self" was I supposed to be? Which properties of my own soul were supposed to form a guide for my behavior? My values? I was a child and can hardly be said to have had values. My impulses and natural inclinations? Surely THAT can't be a reliable guide for behavior!
Be your BEST self.
I think that's so much more helpful, and should clear up the matter.
If not, go with your gut. What you FEEL most deeply.
(I get these insights from Oprah. Or maybe that one was a fortune cookie.)
That might be decent advice for an adult. It's still probably too nonspecific for a child.
Absolutely that is the worst advice for a boy to receive, to be yourself, which means you should remain a little ignorant boy. It’s not awful advice for girls, however, because it’s basically saying, you’re already pure and innocent, a virgin, so remain like that and don’t change, unless something drastic like marriage occurs. This is why self improvement is more important for men than it is for women. Women don’t really need to “improve” they just have to not be awful, horrible people. For women things are much more binary: it’s a yes or no choice. I will choose to be chaste just as easily as I will choose to be promiscuous. I will choose to be a Karen that bothers and bullies others or I will choose to mind my own business. I will choose to cheat on my husband or I’ll choose not to do so. But for men it takes years and years to grow and sweat and become men.
We are greatly in debt to journalists for raising their voice in the cause of sex positivity today, often at such a cost.
We are still haunted by the fear that someone, somewhere, has an unfulfilled urge to schtup.